By Drew Valdez
-- A local Catholic Church is now baptizing the not yet submissives through text messages to practice proper social distancing. We learned the church is doing this because it had a busy baptism schedule in April and needed to find a way to stay on schedule.
Leader of the church, Father Frank, said the idea was given to him by an angel in a dream, similar to how Joseph was visited. “It just made sense to me,” Father Frank said. “This way we baptize those who were already scheduled and make it safer for everyone in general.”
Father Frank continues, “It’s really simple. I just bless a picture of the person by giving it a thumbs up, then I bless each water drop emoji as I type it out to ‘submerge’ them in the holy water. I close with a few prerecorded voice message prayers and it's on to the next one.”
Sarah Young, a 13-year-old member of the church said, “It was nice to be able to do it over the phone, but it got kinda weird when Father Michael kept asking me to send him pictures of me dumping water over myself in a white t-shirt. He kept saying I needed extra cleansing because I was really dirty. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but anything for Father Frank, you know!”
The church expects the number of baptisms to increase in the coming weeks because people are bored and need something to keep them busy right now.
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