by Drew Valdez
-- Finding work during the pandemic has been perilous for a large sum of recently graduated college students. This is amplified as the pointlessness of obtaining a degree only to have no luck receiving job offers once one has completed college continues to be a thing. However, after learning that jobs are readily available in prison, one college grad had an idea that may have created a loophole for young adults not willing to stay the course.
Recent Virginia Tech grad, Jacob Detweiller, had it all figured out by his senior year of high school that he would commit specific crimes that have specific sentences in order to be sent to prison and have a better shot at securing a job while in than he would out.
“I needed a first offense that would get me on the right track,” said Detweiller of his committal of aggravated sexual assault of a minor. “I was 17 but the minor was only 5 so it was pretty bad but they couldn’t put me in jail with adults yet. When I would commit my next crimes, this prior would set me up for a solid 25 years.”
“The day after I graduated, I knew exactly what I had to do. I was out all day searching for a pregnant woman in order to commit an assault that would result in a termination of the pregnancy. This was gonna get me a max of 25 so I felt pretty secure about having a job for a solid 50 years.
“However I wasn’t completely sure I’d get the full 50 because I’m white and had a feeling I wouldn’t receive full sentencing or something so I created and distributed child pornography just to be safe.”
Many are questioning Detweiller’s actions because he won’t be a free man and can’t use his money for much, but he says he’ll never have to stress about finding a job ever and that's all that matters.
A supremely confident Detweiller said, “I have to say this was a really great decision. I was not gonna let myself desperately apply for jobs, live at home, or even worse… work at Walmart. But now, I have my own place, a job with options (those being the choice to work the morning shift or the night shift), and several lovers. Couldn’t get any better than this.”
Comments