by Drew Valdez
-- It was announced today that Major League Baseball and the Players Union failed to reach a deal on a new Collective Bargaining Agreement, which has consequently already canceled the first two series of the season.
According to reports, the main matter on which the two sides will not budge on is the MLB’s unwillingness to provide players with stylists. As we all know, MLB players severely lack fashion sense. It was only a matter of time before players brought it to the table after deciding that they will not be subject to looking stupid during pregame tunnel walks or on the All-Star Game red carpet.
The players are apparently asking for a small team of gay people to be hired on retainer for each team claiming in a statement, “They know how to dress, plus they’re a fun time…and baseball is supposed to be fun. Is that too much to ask for?”
On the other side, Commissioner Rob Manfred is standing pat. “Look, gay people don’t always dress well so we can’t just let them have it without mulling it over for a few more weeks. It’s my job to continue to ruin everything about this game, so this one is easy,” said Manfred as he burned an Acuna jersey.
“You think I wanna show up to the All-Star Game wearing a mustard yellow plaid blazer, blue dress shorts and penny loafers with no socks!?” said Bryce Harper as he adjusted his pleather fedora.
According to an internal MLBPA survey, all Dominican players have no problem at all with the current style situation.
In related news, Manfred is now in the process of being canceled for his ‘gay people don’t always dress well’ comment.
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