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Writer's pictureWeekly Report

Pfizer: New Variant, New Merch!

by Kyle Robinson

-- With sales dragging into the new year, Pfizer has finally completed its new variant! A Strong Q4 earnings report from 2021 has investors expecting bigger and better leading into the new year.


“Omicron gave us a huge bump in the market and really boosted morale around the office,” said CEO Albert Bourla. “We are looking for a good sequel to this one to really get the blood pumping again.


The new variant known as ‘DeltaCron’ has the public clamoring for its release, expected to be in mid-february. “It’s got the transmissibility of Omicron with the deadliness of Delta! It’s gonna be a blockbuster hit!”


The sales of merchandise have seen record pre orders primarily from people in New York and California, and almost exclusively from the unemployed. Per usual arrangement Anthony Fauci has been a big promoter of sales and is expected to approve the new variant within the week. The new variant is expected to push peasants into their 5th covid injection (6th for Jews).

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