by Drew Valdez
-- Blues legend and face of Austin, Texas, Stevie Ray Vaughan was more than just a transcendent guitar player or 80’s western style icon: He was sweaty. A new study has revealed that Vaughan was so sweaty, about a quarter of Lake Austin is composed of his sweat.
Lead researcher of the study, Hank Demario said, “It was almost unexplainable at first, then we found that nearly all venues Vaughan played in Austin had complex drainage systems that lead straight to the lake.”
Demario continued while dry heaving as a result of remembering all the sweat he's smelled for the last 8 months, “He played Austin more than anyone, obviously, and we knew he was constantly dripping, so things just began to add up.”
It was when we finally did extensive litmus testing that puzzlingly returned tabs reading ‘Stevie Ray Vaughan’s Sweat’ on each that fully solidified our findings.
The team also revealed Vaughan was still sweating after digging his body up from his grave.
“That has to be some kind of medical marvel!” a researcher said while vomiting after inhaling the fresh sweat. “He hasn’t been alive for 30 years, yet his body is still somehow trying to maintain homeostasis. I am completely dumbfounded.”.
Researchers also found that comedian Gabriel Iglesias’ sweat makes up about 22% of the lake even though he has only performed in Austin twice.
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